In the introduction chapter of his book “The Terrible We: Thinking with Trans Malajustment” transgender poet and scholar Cameron Awkward-Rich examines the way in which trans studies’ and activists alike have tried to distance themselves from accusations of illness or “bad” feelings (Awkward-Rich, 2022, p.6). Awkward-Rich (2022), conceptualizes these disavowed feelings/states as “trans maladjustment" which he defines as such:
He further goes on to clarify that while normative trans-affirmative discourse encourages us to metabolize trans maladjustment as merely an outcome of oppression or to dismiss them outright as pathological, he sees them as valid ways of knowing, and a valid contributor to trans thought, creativity and life (Awkward-Rich, 2022, p.6,17). Awkward-Rich’s perspective on trans maladjustment as an invaluable resource for trans thought and even trans liberation allows for deeper and more authentic exploration of trans lives and experiences.While the denial of these particular experiences and feelings may be more inline with normative trans affirmative discourse it denies many trans people the ability to express the fullness of their experiences, and perhaps greater connection to the trans collective. Uncomfortable feelings can be a vital space for connection just as much as they can be a space of rupture and the disavowal of encounters with trans maladjustment and the thoughts brought forth by them can be isolating.
This conception of trans maladjustment as a valid site of creation for trans thought, and perhaps trans art, is the context in which Jane Schoenbrun’s 2022 indie-horror I Saw the TV Glow emerges. Through the narrative of two queer youths' supernatural connection to their favourite nostalgic television show I Saw the TV Glow explores both the deeply uncomfortable experience of trying to live out a life that isn’t your own, and trying to claim or accept one that is. In a 2024 article for OUT Magazine Schoenbrun directly relates this narrative to her experience of transitioning as a terrifying, and world ending experience, one which she laments gets “carpeted over in more sort of handholding, Hallmark card-style movies about transition” (Rude, 2024). It is in this gap in representation of trans maladjustment in lieu of trans affirmative narratives that center the feelings of joy and catharsis that result from pursuing transition that I Saw the TV Glow exists. The movie comes to an end with the main character Owen choosing to deny pursuing his true identity or even acknowledging it as a possibility resulting in his, albeit, metaphorical death from stress related illness (Schoenbrun, 2024). This process of sitting with the discomfort connects to a quote by Heather Love that Awkward-Rich uses in his article which questions what queer studies may teach us about “living with the injury-rather than fixing it” (Love, 2007 p.4). There is never a moment of relief, instead the film through both its narrative and cinematography challenges us to sit in the uncomfortable feelings with Owen, in the depression, social withdrawal, and unease that comprises his particular trans maladjustment. Schoenbrun refuses to adopt the normative narrative of transition as an unquestionably positive experience and in doing so refuses to disavow trans maladjustment, as she states bluntly in an interview with Vanity Fair, “transition leaves you traumatized for the rest of your life” (Jacobs, 2024).
Awkward-Rich, C. (2022). Introduction: On Staying With The Terrible We. The Terrible We: Thinking with Trans Maladjustment (pp. 1-29). Duke University Press. https://doi.org/10.1215/9781478023302-001
Jacobs, M. (2024, May 17). The Complex Ending of I Saw the TV Glow, Explained. Vanity Fair. https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/story/ending-of-i-saw-the-tv-glow-explained
Love, H. (2007). Introduction. In Feeling Backward: Loss and the Politics of Queer History (pp. 1–30). Harvard University Press. https://doi.org/10.2307/j.ctvjghxr0.3
Rude, M. (2024, May 16). How I Saw the TV Glow shows a trans side of horror. OUT Magazine. https://www.out.com/film/i-saw-the-tv-glow
Schoenbrun, J. F. (Director). (2024, May 17). I Saw the TV Glow [Film]. A24.